Okay, so I dare all of my fellow T1D Breaking Bad fans out there to tell me that they did not catch this line in last nights episode and smirk just a little.
I mean come on!
Well, it caught me by surprise and made me chuckle. It also got me to thinking: I am soo Walter White and Breaking Bad is soooo the story of my life with my T1D! Okay I know what you are probably thinking and no I am not one of those weirdos that watches prime time television while getting tanked on wine so these aren’t the rantings of a delusional drunk Breaking Bad fan who just so happens to have T1D (sorry weirdos!).
Just hear me out for a second…
But before I blow all of your Breaking Bad loving/ T1D having minds with my sudden AMC inspired epiphany, I’ll let all you who aren’t hip to the Breaking Bad scene get caught up here.
Now that we are all somewhat on the same page; on to my epiphany!!!
I am soo Walter White and Breaking Bad is sooo my life with the T1D! No, it’s not because I happen to have the same distinguished old English (or where ever the hell it came from) name as he does and no, I don’t run a secret multi-million dollar meth empire. I mean I wish (for the money, not the ruining of countless lives due to my bomb, meth making skills). Lets look at the facts:
- Walter White is just your average Walt, doing his chem teacher thing, when all of a sudden like, he gets hit with a huge, life threatening, medical condition (His is the big C of course but I mean the big D is only one letter off right?)
- His diagnosis doesn’t just affect him but EVERYONE he cares about. Being the responsible husband and father that he is, he doesn’t want to leave his family high and dry so he starts making the meth (Alright, so this is where Breaking Bad makes a real sharp left and starts to deviate from your typical T1Ds life, but I mean dramatic license is a thing still right?). The connections I made after this point in the BB time space continuum have more to do with what his Meth/My D life makes him/me do so that he can live to see another day, so to speak. It’s these Meth/D life similarities that really creeped me out with how similar it was to MY D-life and how I dealt with my T1 for so long.
First off were the lies. For those not in the know, BB Walt starts lying. To EVERYONE. And ALOT. I’ll admit that I haven’t been the most truthful of diabetics. Given my refusal to admit that I was T1, I cooked up some real winners in the white lie category. Yes, I checked my sugar. No, I didn’t forget to take my Lantus. Then there were those denial lies: Oh it’s a white out pen…I make a lot of mistakes? (When I was in my pen phase) It’s my garage door opener…I forgot to leave it in my car (When my meter would fall out of my pocket). Oh, it’s a medical thing…something for my back…I have a back…thing (When someone would discover my pods). Okay, so my lies weren’t the most creative and if I really did run a meth empire it would probably only stay open for a week, but the connections are there people!!! It got to the point that I was just lying out of habit. I was getting sick of hiding my T1 but because I had been doing it for so long I didn’t really know what else I could do with it. That Meth-life really sucked poor old BB Walt in and pretty soon his lies started running the show/his life.
Secondly was his damnable pride. BB Walt gets into a lot of trouble with his Meth-life, a lot more than he really needs to. And that’s saying something considering how illegal and dangerous a meth-life naturally tends to be. And dammit if my pride hasn’t gotten me into some trouble too. I know I have those days where I am just WAYYYY too good for my T1. Yea that’s right D, you dick! I’m too good for your shit! Those days when I am not going to change my pump or listen to those annoying beeping noises that my OmniPod PDM ALWAYS makes. Yes, I know I only have 15 units left in my pod but I am in the middle of class so fuck you very much!!! I am CLEARLY better than you and I KNOW that you hate it when I ignore you. Yes. My completely random, auto immune disorder, and inanimate glucose monitor HATE it when I ignore them. Cry all the rivers you want! You ain’t getting any bridges out of me! Or when my meter would be a HUGE dick and says HI to me. Trying to be all cute and shit! I mean, it KNOWS what my sugar is but it’s INTENTIONALLY being a dick and not telling me. WTF! How the hell am I supposed to correct if my dick head of a meter won’t tell me what my number is!!!! OOOO and that insulin on board shit!!!! Why don’t you get off your fucking board and do your job soadih!!!!hlnd;lsjga;slvh…. What I am TRYING to say is, it gets frustrating. Pride has gotten the better of me and stopped me from testing or correcting or just admitting that I need to take a couple seconds to take care of myself. Yes, as Walt and I can attest, pride is a dangerous thing in the Meth/D-life.
In the end (figurative end, not literal end, still a few BB episodes left!!!) BB Walt and me Walt, are just trying to get by as best as they can. I mean I can. Sure I mess it up. I mean, I don’t poison _______s and I don’t let people choke on their own ________ causing _______s to crash and killing 100s of _______ (WATCH THE FRIGGIN SHOW!!!), but BB Walt is just trying to make that money and live the dream. The one he believes that he and his family deserve. Yea he gets caught up in A LOT of other shit that ends up hurting him but who doesn’t? The D-life has a lot of somewhat similar pitfalls.
We can all be chugging along trying to do the best we can, for us, for our families, but then that dick D just gets in the way. It’s a lot easier to ignore than to deal with it. Consequences be damned!!! Forgetting to check your sugar a couple times here. Not bolusing a few times there. Yea it might bight me in the ass later but that’s future mes problem. I guess my point is that while us T1s may have it a little different than say your average high school chem teacher turned meth king pin, we also share similarities. We are all just human. I find comfort in that the struggle to get by isn’t just a T1 thing but a human thing. After 13 years of feeling like an outsider, those few times where I truly feel like part of the greater whole really feel kind of nice.
I guess my greater T1 point is: do your best. Know that the D-life is more art than science and none of us are Picasso or Van Gogh. Hell, Van Gogh wasn’t even Van Gogh till after he died! There will be those days where the shit piles up and then those other days where it all just clicks. You aren’t the only one going through it. EVERYONE is. Literally. Alright people I’ll admit it. I am pretty sure Vince Gilligan wasn’t really thinking about me or my D life when he created Walt and all of his Meth related high jinxs. He was MOST likely illustrating the greater human need to make things better when things turn shitty, and how doing so can make things even shittier than the original shit was already making it. One of those art imitating life type deals. I know the whole pump malfunction thing is just a coincidence (BB Walt was actually referring to a gas pump when he said it), but it’s a connection to me and my D. So instead of just teaching me how much of a not good idea the Meth-life is, Breaking Bad ALSO taught me something about me and my D: I am far from alone. THANKS VINCE GILLIGAN!!!